The Next President

A year from now, we will elect a new president. I know, I can hear a lot of you hollering, “Hallelujah!” or something to that effect.

So, the question we now face is who will follow in his footsteps?

To make that quandary just a little simpler, I have an announcement to make: I will not be running for the presidency.

There, don’t you feel safer? If you don’t now, you will by the time you finish reading this column.

First, let me remind you that I still think my wife would be a great president. She’s smarter than any of the people running, has more class, couldn’t tell a lie if she wanted to and is way prettier. Of course, I’ve seen barnyard animals that were prettier than some of those guys.

At any rate, you missed your chance to vote for my wife.

Let me tell you what you’ll be missing by not voting for me:

Daylight Savings Time: This switching time back and forth is insane. We should keep it the same year-round. If someone wants to get up earlier in the morning, fine, but they don’t have bother me — or you — about it.

Holidays in the middle of the week. I have no idea why most holidays float all over the calendar. I would decree that all holidays be on Friday. Come to think of it, we could gin up enough holidays to make every Friday a day off.

A 13-month calendar: I’ve never understood why we have 12 months, some with four weeks and some with five. It makes planning, budgeting and everything else a pain in the you-know-what. By having 13 four-week months, we’d have the same number of weeks  — you do the math — and life would be easier. The only problem is what to call that new month. How about “Vacation?” It could be inserted right after July.

Ban cigarettes: Not really. I’d just make them available by prescription only. Look, cigarettes are a drug, and a dangerous one at that. If your doctor wants you to smoke, he, or she, should write you a prescription.

A drinkers license: At age 18, every American would be issued a license that allowed them to purchase alcoholic beverages. Every bartender or liquor store would be required to check your license before selling you booze. Your license could be suspended or revoked if you are convicted of drunken driving or become dependent on alcohol.

A fix for Social Security: Make everyone, including the rich, pay Social Security taxes on all of their earnings, not just the first $92,000, as is now the case. And don’t give Social Security checks to rich people, only those retirees who need the money. After all, why should Bill Gates get a Social Security check?

Socialized medicine: I know, every doctor and health insurance leach — I mean, executive — just had a stroke reading those words. I really, really am fed up with the current system of health care, which is predicated on vacuuming my pockets — and yours.  It’s obvious to me that the medical establishment doesn’t give a hoot or a holler about me or my health. Besides, if we get smoking and alcoholism under control (see above), the cost of health care would plummet. I guarantee.

Besides, senior citizens, the military and members of Congress have had socialized medicine all along. If it’s good enough for them, it’s good enough for the rest of us.

I’ve got some other ideas — about nuclear power plants and banning candidates for public office from spending money on campaign advertisements, but I see I’m running out of space.

 Oh well, we’ll just have to see what those other folks come up with during the next 12 months.