Caught on Television

I’ve been caught. Worse yet, I’ve been caught on videotape. Still worse, the tape was shown on cable television.

The other day, a co-worker walked into my office. He had a smile on his face, the kind of smile that makes you think something is up.

“Last night I was watching TV,” he said. “And I was watching the community access channel on cable.”

I started to get nervous. He continued.

“There was this concert. Johnny Limbo and the Lugnuts was playing. It was after a Volcanoes game in Keizer.”

I knew I was in trouble. Deep trouble.

“Anyway, during the concert, the cameras panned the crowd. A few people were dancing. I thought I recognized one of the dancers.…”

That’s it. I’d been found out. Not only that, everyone with a TV now knew that ugly secret I’ve been trying to keep quiet all of these years: I like to dance.

Shhh. Please don’t tell anyone, much less my wife, who will haul me to every dance floor in Oregon.

From the time I was a kid, I’ve always liked to dance. When I was a little kid, I’d dance with my mom when “American Bandstand” came on.

My problem is I have always been a lousy dancer. I possess all of the grace of a spastic moose.

In high school, I was in the chorus of “Westside Story,” playing one of the gang members. It was type casting, I’m sure, since I’ve always been one of those dangerous types, sort of a James Dean with a pot belly and wearing Hush Puppies.

Most of the time, I didn’t get much of a chance to dance. I was usually in one of the bands that played at either the high school or the YMCA, which had teen dances every weekend, so I was too busy hauling amplifiers or acting cool.

After that, I went to college, and the dances there seemed more like concerts, and I was too-self conscious to be the only guy in an entire room dancing.

Since then, my attempts at dancing have been sporatic at best.

Then two related things happened. First, I got older. Second, my concern for what other people think about me and what I do dropped to zero.

So there I was on cable TV, rocking the night away and doing what I do best — making a fool of myself. 

And giving the guys at the office something talk about.

Actually, the whole episode only proved one of my main concerns about television these days — they’ll show absolutely anything on the tube.